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Dismantling
Your “Should” Pack
Have you been feeling rather weighed down, heavy, unable to make progress
on various fronts? Perhaps you need to check the “Should”
pack on your back – the one filled with “I should be doing…,
I shouldn’t be doing…” stuff, which can be weighing
you down and holding you back. Take out each “should” for
examination, asking, “Where does this come from? Who put it here?
Is it valid or useful? If the answer to the last two questions is “no,”
then discard the “should” to the trash. If the response is
“yes,” decide on action steps to move the process forward,
set a deadline for yourself and get moving on the first step. If you do
this for each “should,” your “Should Pack” will
be emptied and you’ll feel lighter and freer to take actions that
are really meaningful for you.
Power Tools for Making Changes
Recently, when reviewing the status of someone who wanted to lose weight
and feel healthier, we found her to be more than one third of the way
to her goal in only one month – pretty significant progress, since
her goal was 30 pounds. When asked what made the difference this time
vs. other attempts at losing weight, she said, “I’m really
focusing on what I’m doing for myself (eating healthy), and on how
much better I feel and look now. I’m also tapping my past successes
to boost my self-confidence and amazingly, I’m not at all focusing
on what I’m missing.” That positive attitude, tapping your
power and regular focus on the benefits can be powerful tools for changing
behaviors. I know. Try it!
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The Positive Pull
Occasionally, we find ourselves in a gray slump when things just aren’t
going our way. We feel blanketed by negativity, making our mood and energy
low and our feelings of immobilization and incompetence high. We need
a boost to raise our spirit and elevate our productivity. The good news
is that we can provide that boost ourselves. By intentionally shifting
our focus, we can go on a “positivity” hunt, searching for any “positives”
we can find and reminding ourselves of the ones we already know. With
this quest, comes a lift in energy, confidence and mood, enabling us to
tap our creativity and our strengths to fashion new solutions for current
situations. And, if we record the positives we discover, we will have
created a convenient reference tool if slumps show up in the future.
Help Me Understand…
Many times clients will express feelings of frustration or overwhelm after
a conversation with family members, folks at work or even friends. Especially
during lengthy conversations, they report miscommunications stemming from
their AD/HD trait challenges. They feel badly about the negative impact
misunderstandings can have on their relationships.
A handy little strategy for enhancing clear communications is to have
two questions on hand to ask as the conversation either begins or winds
down, depending on your preference. These questions show that you want to understand and they also give the other person the chance to identify
and tell the essence of what it is that he/she wants you to understand.
1. What is the most important thing you want me to know about this?
2. What is the most important thing you want me to do about this?
By using these two questions, you have given the other person the chance
to be clear and concise and, at the same time, you receive two nuggets,
which give you the essential intended message and the expectations for
your action.
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“No
Problem!”
“No problem…” We were surrounded by that comforting response all around
us on our recent trip to the Caribbean. The atmosphere created by those
words helped to make our getaway the relaxing, stress-calming trip we
intended it to be. Hearing them also nudged me into reflecting on how
much “stress” we create for ourselves. When encountering a “stone in our
path,” do we go to the knee-jerk “obstacle” response and suck in our breath?
Do we hear the internal message, “We have a problem here,” and permit
those words to create a reality in our minds? If we do so, we can trigger
a cascade of negative emotions and stress hormones. However, if instead,
we were to take the “relaxed ‘island’ approach”, we shift our perspective
and rewrite the internal chatter to be, “Here’s my opportunity to make
a positive change. What can I do to make things better?” That perspective
can energize our positive feelings of creativity and empowerment, reduce
“the bad stress” levels and increase our chances of reaching a successful
outcome. So, when the stone appears in the road, take yourself on a mini
Caribbean vacation by capturing the islands’ “No Problem” perspective!
Up From the Slavery of Perfectionism
How many un-started or incomplete projects, dreams or challenges do you have lying around? How many sit on the shelf because you “need to do them perfectly” or not at all? We all leave so many things undone and miss so many opportunities because we allow ourselves to be slaves to the erroneous notion that we need to do it perfectly or not at all. Ask yourself, “What is perfection is it real, attainable?” Given that so many things remain undone, ask, “What is better, getting something actually done well but not perfectly or not getting anything done at all? Try also asking yourself, “What would happen if I did it 80% rather than 100%?” You might also try to think about what you might learn in the process if you were to complete the project “imperfectly?” And lastly, ask yourself, “How am I being served best -- by waiting for perfection or be moving to completion?” By asking yourself these questions, you can help to shift your perspective on perfectionism, lift yourself up from the slavery of perfectionism and move to greater degrees of mastery, productivity and fulfillment.
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Overcoming
Overwhelm
How many times do we face a large mountain of things to do and feel totally
overwhelmed? How do we respond? Sometimes we whine, “ this is just
too much,” sometimes we thrash ourselves with “should’s”
ticking off what we “should” have done earlier, and sometimes
we strike out blaming others for the dilemma. Whatever the response, the
most common result is that we become immobilized...
In order to scale that mountain of “stuff” in front of us,
we need to step back, remove the backpack of energy-draining actions mentioned
above and build a ramp for ourselves. We start by asking the question,
“What can I do here that will make a difference and get things going?
At the beginning, the most important step is to break down whatever it
is into parts and choose one thing to do right now to get the momentum
going. Do what’s easiest or closest or what will give you the most
pay-off for your effort. If you still can’t get off the mark, engage
a friend or family member who might lend a different perspective or even
a collaborative hand to get you going. Keep your eye on the goal but acknowledge
your progress and celebrate each of the steps along the way to completion.
The goal is great but finding enjoyment and fulfillment in the process
will make the next mountain easier to scale.
Creating Your Vision Path
Many have asked the question, if you don’t know where you’re
going, how will you know it when you get there? We can also ask if you
don’t have a vision of yourself as you want to be, how will you
know if you’ve achieved it? If we want to make changes in our lives,
it’s important for us to have a clear vision of who we want to be,
where it is we want to go, what it will look like, feel like and be like
in the future we want.
One way to help clarify your vision is to take some quiet time to remove
yourself from outside distractions, relax, breathe deeply, and then expel
both your breath and all other thoughts and doubts. Visualize yourself
in the environment you want to be in, doing what you want to be doing.
Notice all that is around you, engaging all of your senses – what
you see, hear, feel and smell as well as how you feel in that place. Commit
these images and feelings to memory. Ask yourself for the wisdom that
comes from that place and focus on the stepping stones to reach it. Depart
slowly with an intention to return. Then, as you embark on the journey
to your vision, tap the wisdom that you discerned from your “future
self place” and let your senses remind you of its feel and pathway.
Use this experience as fuel for encouragement and motivation to proceed.
I have found this exercise to be a powerful tool in my journey.
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I think I can, I think I can… The “person”
that could
While attending the recent ADDA conference in St. Louis, I visited their
“ADDA Shop,” which was filled with wonderful items including
great coasters/plaques that had powerful sayings carved into them. One
that I think is so applicable to coaching and making change happen in
our lives said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t,
you’re right!” It reminds us of the incredible power of our
own thoughts. Having the faith in ourselves and the belief we can do something
can make that important difference for insuring success as we embark on
changes in our lives. Be sure to have the right “can do” self
talk tapes running when you decide to make changes.
Lighten up with some bug zapping!
Summer is the season for light colors, light weight clothing, food, etc.
It can also be the time to “lighten up” on the things you
are tolerating in your life. Those are the “clutter bugs”
in your life that are “bugging” you. They may include cantankerous
possessions, things you do, things that annoy you, things other people
do to you that don’t enhance your life on a regular basis -- things
that weigh you down. Make a list of such items, rank them as to how much
they “bug” you and then make a plan as to how to “zap
each bug,” in a way that will help you to be true to who you are
and make your life lighter and more enjoyable.
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Linking the new with the old to make changes
Behavior changes can be difficult for all of us and it’s often hard
for us to institute a new, “positive” habit that we think
would benefit us. One technique, which might make things a bit easier,
is to link the new action—for example, taking a medication—to
an already established habit, say, brushing teeth in the morning. There’s
less effort needed in establishing the new habit since the link with the
old one is like a string that just pulls you into the new one.
Spring Cleaning—Shifting the perspective from letting go
to making room
Many clients have great difficulty letting go of their long held “treasures,”
which are often cluttering their closets, workspaces or homes. Spring
can provide the initial incentive to clean out and clear out but the job
can still be hard. I invite you to shift your perspective from the negative
perspective of letting go of the “treasures” (one of loss)
to a more positive perspective of making room for new or better things—opportunities,
vistas or even relationships. By staying in the benefits mode, the job
can be easier.
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Keep Your Tank Filled!!
Often we are very ambitious and full of excitement when the New Year approaches
and we have “great expectations” for our year’s journey
-- which is certainly great! However, we sometimes make overly ambitious
“resolutions.” Doing so can be compared to setting out on
a long road trip, fueling up at the pump in your home town, expecting
to make the journey without needing “fill-ups” along the way.
We need to be kind to ourselves by setting ourselves up for success - not self-flagellation! We want to keep our tanks sufficiently fueled.
How can we do that? We start out by setting some interim resolutions - the kind that will stretch us but not break us. Then, we CAN experience the “rush” of success and accomplishment when we reach those “doable” goals. And, the energy generated by the success we have achieved will fuel us to move on to our next goal, which we can set even further out!
By taking this approach, we have created an energy filled pathway for ourselves! We can anticipate a great journey ahead, traveling far but not running out of gas!
Homes for the Homeless
A common thread seems to surface when I work with clients who are dealing with procrastination, time management and efficiency in performance. The thread is not being able to find things when they need them, which results in stopping their forward action, messing with their efficiency, taking time and causing delays in their schedule. The root cause is organizational in nature and the foundation explanation is the old adage of needing, “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
If you check your office, home, etc., those items, which do not have homes are more than likely spread about creating a chaotic look and feel, sabotaging what might be an otherwise perfectly good system of organization. So, a tip that helps many folks suffering from “stuff” homelessness, is to create a home for each item as soon as possible, put the item in its home and log what you did if you tend to be forgetful. Ending ”item homelessness” makes life smoother all around. And, for those that fear “out of sight, out of mind,” use a clear home or make a regular checklist for things you put away.
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Contact Peggy for her current schedule.
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Resources - Renewal and "The New" Retirement
The resources listed below are not intended as endorsements but rather suggestions for helpful reference.
The New Retirement: Discovering Your Dream (Your Mature Career/Life
Planning Guide), Richard P. Johnson, Ph.D., 2001
Don’t Retire, Rewire! (Five Steps to Fulfilling Work that
Fuels Your Passion, Suits Your Personality or Fills Your Pocket),
Jeri Sedler, Rick Miners, 2003
What Do You Want to Do When You Grow Up? (Starting the Next Chapter
of Your Life), Dorothy Cantor, 2000
Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really
Grow Up, James Hollis, Ph.D., 2005
For My Next Act, Women Scripting Life After Fifty, Karen
Barr, 2004
Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood (What
Matters, What Works, What’s Next), Suzanne Braun Levine,
2005
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The resources listed below are not intended as endorsements but rather suggestions for helpful reference.
Websites on AD/HD:
ADDA - Attention Deficit Disorder Association.
CHADD - Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder Assn.
ADDVANCE - A resource for women and girls with attention deficit disorders.
ADD Warehouse - A large selection of books on AD/HD (professional & lay).
ADDitude Magazine - “The happy, healthy, lifestyle magazine for people with ADD.”
Schwab Learning - “A parents guide to helping kids with learning difficulties.”
LDOnline - “The leading Web site on learning disabilities for parents, teachers and other professionals.”
PEATC - Parent Educational Advocacy Training Center.
AD/HD Resource Directory - ADD Resources, a non-profit organization, has compiled an online resource directory of AD/HD providers, products and services. You will see me listed among the coaches.
Websites on Coaching:
International Coach Federation - Professional and Credentialing Organization for Coaches.
American Coaching Association - Website of ADD coaches.
Institute for the Advancement of ADHD Coaching (IAAC)
Some other fine coaches:
Resources on coaches can also be found by going to the IAAC site for certified ADHD coaches as well as the ADDA, CHADD and ICF sites using their professional directories.
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General
Driven to Distraction, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., John J. Ratey, M.D. 1994
Answers to Distraction, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., John J. Ratey, M.D., 1994
You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!, Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo, 1995
Thom Hartmann’s Complete Guide to AD/HD: Help for Your Family at Home, School and Work, Thom Hartmann, 2000
Healing ADD: Simple Exercises That Will Change Your Daily Life, by Thom Hartmann. 1998
What Does Everyone Else Know That I Don’t: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD), Michelle Novotni, Ph.D., 1999
Female Focus
Understanding Girls with AD/HD, Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., Ellen B. Littman, Ph.D., Patricia Quinn, M.D., 1999.
Understanding Women with AD/HD, Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., Ellen B. Littman, Ph.D., Patricia Quinn, M.D., 2002.
Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, Sari Solden, MS, MFCC, 1995.
Children, Teens & Parenting Focus
Raise Your Child’s Social IQ, by Cathi Cohen, L.C.S.W.
The Explosive Child, by Ross Green, Ph.D.
From Chaos to Calm: Effective Parenting of Challenging Children with ADHD and other Behavioral Problems, by Sharon K. Weiss, M.Ed., and Janet E. Heininger, Ph.D.
A Bird’s Eye View of Life with ADD and ADHD: Advice From Young Survivors, Chris A. Zeigler Dendy and Alex Zeigler, 2003
A Mind at a Time, Mel Levine, M.D., 2002
Education Focus (students and professionals)
Study Strategies Made Easy: A Practical Plan for School Success, by Leslie Davis, M.Ed. and Sandi Sirotowitz, M. ED with Harvey C. Parke, Ph.D.
Seven Steps to Homework Success: A Family Guide for Solving Common Homework Problems, Sydney S. Zentall, Ph.D., Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. 1999
Help4ADD@High School, Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., 1998
Teaching Teens with ADD and ADHD, Chris A. Zeigler Dendy, M.S., 2000
Teaching the Tiger: A Handbook for Individuals Involved in the Education of Students with Attention Deficit Disorders, Tourette Syndrome or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Marilyn P. Dornbush, Ph.,D., Sheryl K Pruitt, M.Ed. 1995